The Tiger who came to Family Court

With the lunar new year comes the knowledge that a new generation of tigers is on its way. Tigers are traditionally seen as protective animals, so much that babies born in China in any year are traditionally given clothing adorned with tigers. However, the symbolic protective role of the tiger can conflict with the reality of the other characteristics commonly understood to appear in those born in the year of the Tiger. Tigers are generally considered to be competitive, confident, brave, unpredictable, passionate and impulsive. In business these can often be strengths, but they can be weaknesses when it comes to family disputes. A parent displaying typical Tiger behaviour during family litigation without understanding its impact can put their children at serious risk of harm.

So, what can the Tiger do to protect its cubs when faced with disputes within its own family unit?

Communicate

The Tiger's instinct will often be to see the other party as the enemy. When children are involved, this is rarely a helpful attitude. It's important for the Tiger to see their child's other parent as a member of the same team, with the same goals, and no team can work without healthy communication. The parents should discuss how they plan to raise their child together and consider setting aside some time to sit together and draft up a parenting plan (Cafcass, the family court's independent adviser, offers a free precedent document which is designed for this specific purpose).

Compromise

When discussing the parenting plan, or any other issues with the children, the Tiger must try to do what will feel overwhelmingly unnatural: compromise. With the exception of issues where the children's welfare is seriously at risk, the most helpful thing for that child is for their parents to have agreed about the arrangements for their care. To quote Curb Your Enthusiasm, 'a good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied'. That may not be an appealing prospect to the Tiger, but when the alternative to compromise is emotionally and financially costly court proceedings into which their child will be dragged, it is one to be embraced. The parties may be dissatisfied, but the children at the heart of the matter will not be.

Keep clear boundaries 

In the event that compromise cannot be reached, it is vital that the children are as protected from the dispute as possible. This means that the Tiger must be clear on how much information about the dispute is shared with the children. The amount of information shared will depend on the age and maturity of the child, but in general they should know only what they absolutely need to know. When faced with questions from the child about their future, it is important not to ignore questions but to keep responses non-specific and age appropriate, for example: 'Mummy and Daddy can't decide how much time you'll spend with each of us and so we have asked some other grown ups to help us'.

It may be very tempting to the typical Tiger to criticise the other parent, but this urge must be resisted. Half of the child came from their other parent and the child knows that, so when the child's other parent is criticised, what the child hears is that they themselves must be bad too. At extremes this behaviour can be classed as emotional abuse.

It may also be very tempting to the typical Tiger to take control of the situation and simply ask the child what they want to do about the issues in dispute. This must be avoided. It can be extremely harmful for the child to be put on the spot in this way and this sort of conversation is better attempted with the help of professionals such as family therapists or social workers.

Prioritise the child's welfare at all times

The law relating to families in England & Wales regards the child's welfare as the first priority. This is not only for the law that relates to matters such as where the child will live and spend time, but also the law that relates to the division of finances on divorce and other similar areas. Any parent would therefore be wise to think, whenever taking action in relation to their family matters, about the impact of that decision on their children. Given the typical Tiger's tendency towards impulsivity and rash decision-making this may not come naturally and so it is vital that their advisers are able to remind them to consider the potential ramifications for their children when discussing wealth planning and potential litigation. 

Of course, even for those without Tiger characteristics, it is easier said than done to follow all of the advice above, but if the Tiger can focus on their core desire to protect their children and prioritise this over their other instincts, it will make the world of difference.